Meet Ceasar

Considering that the nicest automobiles in the world are also the most expensive, it doesn’t surprise me that the best personal pleasure machine ever produced is also one of the most expensive! I’ve not heard of too many complaints from the owners of a Rolls Royce and the same goes for the Caesar Machine. Some things are just worth the cost.
-Richard Rain Owner Roman Industries, Patent Holder of Caesar Machine
Women, rejoice. Meet Cesar, The Sex Machine. Available now, affordable. In one size: huge. It does not know dysfunction, does not need feeding, does not need to pee at the wrong moment.
Natural-looking huge penis at the end of a long metallic stick (not very esthetic, but serves the purpose). The stick can be fixed at the end of your bed. You have a remote control that allows you to pick the strength and the frequency of thrusts.

It’s not bitter Julie-who’s-been-getting-the-worse-sex-of-her-life-lately who’s speaking. Sounds like a bad porn movie? IT IS. (The machine is really on the market)

Title: Sex and the Machine
Director: Jenifer James
Productor: Richard Rain, 2007 (Patent holder of the Machine, remember?)

What you get:

– cheap leather costumes
– elevator music that makes you want to press the mute button as often as the fastforward one.
– sadomasochistic action. Oh and pleeeease, the savage-looking Tarzan look-alike character is way overdone.
– big fake boobs; If there is one moment that you get to be superficial, it’s when you watch porn. I don’t care if she’s blonde and has boobs twice the size of her head; if her face looks like a man’s and the boobs do not look like boobs, it is time to retire

What you do not get:

a soundtrack that is actually in sync with the action: Slurpy blowjob noises while the action is sadomasochistic whipping does not get anymore not-exciting.
Finally, it’s okay to talk to your dog, but NOT to your sex toy/machine, whatever you want to call this device. No matter how much you ‘don’t need men’. ‘You’re not okay, you’re perfect’ oh pleaaaaase. Electricity serves me great for some things, but for others… Women empowerment, 24/7 availability, performance, sure, but I cannot believe for a second that this thing could be satisfying. It would break my non-heart if I ever got to this point. If you want to promote sustainable energy, there are electric cars. I’m not ready to buy myself orgasms, and even if they were free… At least ShoppingChannel infomercials don’t have me screaming in horror. The movie does a poor job at selling the device, to say the least.
It’s a good thing I was in good company.

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