Autodidactive Intro to porn- Or the quest for enjoyable porn

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Sex has nothing to do with moderation –

Thinking there was no such thing as too much sex, I rented three movies. Tant qu’à le faire, on va le faire pour vrai! Turns out, there is such a thing as too much sex – bad sex. I chose the first movie on the basis that it was produced by a woman (there’s this myth that woman-produced porn is more enjoyable for women). Title: Sophia (read: nympho who calls herself a feminist). Isn’t Sophia such a pornish name anyway? I bet I couldn’t find even one that’s titled Julie. Or even a character called Julie. Moving on: memorable pseudo-feministic quote I managed to write down before the F*-word-abusing starts: ‘‘I’m a woman in a man’s world, but I make the rules; men, women, sex, it’s all mine for the taking and I take it.’’ And the rest of the dialog is drowned with: ‘‘ooooh F*’s, don’t F*ing stop’s and ‘give me that F* cock’s’’ you get the point, and moaning. I thought I knew moaning, but now I know moaning. I thought presumably-dominant-Sophia was orgasming every second of the (long) way until she actually had an orgasm. Other wanabe-feministic sexual practices included: being splashed in the face with sperm and enjoying it like an insulin-deprived fat kid would feast on cake. Also included: savage-looking horse-riding extraordinarily-well-endowed and proportionally-sperm-producing unclean-looking latino, submissive secretary, submissive pool-girl, oh and a hold-your-breath-beginning-of-threesome which actually turns into some more sperm-splash. So much for woman-produced porn. Tip #1: keep your volume remote-control close – keep your fast-forwarding remote-control closer. F*!

Second movie’s title: Sexy Magical Girl. An anime/manga. A lot easier on the ears. Sailormoon meets Godzilla. In a rather… juicy way. The movie was a lot of fun, my friend and I laughed the whole time, so I guess it defeats the purpose of getting turned on. I recommend this type of porn to everyone, guaranteed good time. Sneak peaks: juice, breakfast sausages and teddy bears. Not too clichéd though.

Third movie: Fantasmes de femmes. Bad title. Tip #2: do not choose the movie according to the title. You think you know what you’re getting yourself into, but you’re not. Unless it’s as self-explanatory as ‘Pregnant Animals gone wild’ and then again, wild is a pretty vague word. I recommend this movie if what gets you off is fruits and pretty dresses, or clichés like ‘La première fois’. I would retitle it to ‘Fantasmes de Prudes’. Except for a scene involving a threesome. Handsome European-looking men, although I recognized the principal male actor as the latino from the very American Sophia. Versatile actor but same urge to fast-forward.

I refuse to settle down with Anime porn, which means the trial-an-error quest to enjoyable not-too-pornish porn only begins. Any suggestions?

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10 Responses to “Autodidactive Intro to porn- Or the quest for enjoyable porn”

  1. cassie Says:

    Well, usually porn flicks made for women by women are made by former porn ‘actresses’ who for artistic reasons (well whatelse)become ‘filmakers’ all of a sudden. Candida Royalle and Veronica Hart comes to mind. But really, unless you’re one of those innocents who never seen porn in your life, best to avoid their ‘films’ replete with oh so meaningful storylines and contextural sex, at least in theory. But then again, it can’t be much worse than what you just went through. lol

  2. rickaus Says:

    “The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women” by Tristan Taormino

  3. kelly Says:

    😦

  4. Julie Says:

    Thanks Rickaus,
    Call me prude or inexperienced, but this sounds like ‘The Ultimate Guide to Cooking for Men’ that you would suggest to men back in the 1940s. Sounds just unnatural. Although god knows that men who know how to cook are rare and priceless. So if you understood my comparison… yup i’ll give it a shot and you’ll be hearing from it soon. Any other suggestions while you’re at it?

  5. William Says:

    Suggestion: Do not watch porn with other people. It forces personal restraints on what you might enjoy but are too afraid too.

    P.S. I like your writing style.

  6. rickhaus Says:

    Not that I’m calling you uninformed, but Tristan is a FEMALE pornmeister of some repute… just look her up on wiki. While you are at it, her masterpiece “Chemistry” is definitely worth a second look. Very edgy documentary where a group of porn stars are thrown into a house without script or pretend sex. Hot.

  7. dan Says:

    “Porn!, it’s cheaper than dating!” NOT!! I just got laid after suffering through a chic flic (27 friggin dresses) and two beers, which cost me LESS than a stupid porn dvd

  8. nessie Says:

    I rememeber being at a guy/girl sleep over. We accidentally came accross Porn Anime and we were all giggling our brains. Soon it became boring but the guys just kept on laughing and laughing… in between their bathroom brecks. It didnt register then but… yeah!

    William! Don’t you know it always depends on the WHO? There are some people were its fun to be naughty with … 😉

  9. deb&laur Says:

    Note to Dan; You sound like a CHEAP date. We think you should stick to cheap porn.

  10. Arien Says:

    The experience sounds all-too-familiar. Going into it with an open mind and then realizing that there IS in fact such a thing as too much sex. When you’re watching it anyway…

    Is it just me or does porn seem like Discovery Channel for human beings. A look into the sexual mechanics of the human animal. For some reason, it becomes much more monotonous when they show the sex stripped bare of its emotional bubble. For me, erotica is much much hotter.

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