I Want to Have Sex with Music

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I love music. Spending five minutes around me will make that painfully obvious. I love my iPod simply because it does what it does – provides my entire library at my disposal whenever my capricious nature craves it, which basically means that I am always plugged in to something. This proposes an obvious problem when engaging in more intimate activities, where I may be plugged into a more organic form. I have yet to meet a girl that would let me have sex while I listen to my own earphones. That’s not to say that they don’t want to listen to music while doing it; what’s more, they too agree that it often creates a mood way better than any combination of flowers, incense, candles or lingerie. The right song can turn a faltering moment into a touching orgasm, or it can just as easily turn the best sex of your life into a cheesy, third rate porn knock-off.

Yet, in spite of the endless possibilities of a shared musical experience, I really just want to listen through my earphones – at least once. I have spent a lot of time and money in turning my little white box of joy into something that is both high-fidelity and intimate. For instance, my earphones attenuate the world around me by various decibels, to the point where I can’t hear any extraneous noise when in my own personal world; all I hear is my personal playlist with beautiful clarity. This kind of perfect intimacy is what I want to transpose into the sexual realm, and, so far, have failed miserably. Also, my musical tastes, as restricted as they may be, are mine alone, and what sets the mood for me may not set the mood for my partner.

When goofing around the internet one day, I happened to stumble across the answer to all my prayers. This little toy is nothing if not a miracle. It basically allows me to listen to my own music while avoiding the pitfalls of stereotypical male selfishness, so prevalent in the minds of hyper-sensitive post-feminists who believe that sex is more a chore than a pleasure. Well, get ready to have your panties blown right off. This combination headphones/vibrator is just what everyone who likes music really needs. The guy (or girl really, let’s not draw gendered lines – we’ve got attachments galore here) can listen to his favourite music while the attachment vibrates pleasurably, keeping up with the tempo of whatever the iPod happens to be channeling.

Now, I have yet to personally try this; it’s a little out of my very limited student budget for something which may have limited approval under the sheets. Plus, I can just hear my girlfriend now: I know I’m going to get distracted from one aesthetic beauty just to look at another, admittedly smaller, thing of beauty, as I decide which track to play next, you know, all in the name of providing a pleasurable experience.

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3 Responses to “I Want to Have Sex with Music”

  1. Sandwich Repairman Says:

    There’s also an American version that I blogged last fall.

  2. Anonymous Says:

    You sound like you don’t really want to have sex with anyone besides yourself… your poor “girlfriend”. Sex is about two people.

  3. Sandwich Repairman Says:

    Wow, that was a really well-documented, thoroughly researched argument. All your facts and examples–very convincing!

    I have a girlfriend? You obviously have me confused with someone else. But then this publication seems pretty untainted by rationality.

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